Dear Crissy

Along came a spider

Yesterday, while sitting on our sofa, I noticed Kara staring at the cushion beside me. Her eyes were even bigger than usual, and she was chanting something.

She was repeating, “pedder, pedder, pedder.”

I looked down, and sure enough, an enormous spider was just chillaxing on the sofa about two inches away from my left thigh.

Of course, I nearly knocked Kara down trying to get away. I’ll admit it, I LOSE MY MIND when I see a spider.

The thing about spiders, when you’re a mom, is that you CAN NOT LET THE SPIDER GET AWAY. The idea of a giant spider escaping into the hollow depths of my sofa is just too much to handle. I MUST know that the spider is dead, so, even though I would rather swallow shards of broken glass than approach and kill a spider with my own two hands, when my husband isn’t here, its my motherly duty to seek and destroy. I can’t risk letting it get away, only to crawl into bed with one of my kids. No.

Before I had kids, I took a more calculated approach to spider-killing. You know, spraying one with an entire bottle of hair spray in an effort to disorient it, right before pounding it to death with a broom from three feet away, and then shaking its over-sprayed, broom-straw-ravaged carcass into the toilet.

It’s a great method for a single person, but as a mom, I just grab a shoe and make short work of things.

After I took care of the spider—and I apologize if my murderous-spider-speak is offensive to any nature-lovers who are reading along—I realized something. I thought that when Kara saw the spider, she was actually trying to say SPIDER, SPIDER, SPIDER, but, then, it hit me.

She wasn’t saying SPIDER at all. She was saying… pet her. Kara says, “pedder, pedder, pedder,” any time she sees a dog or a cat.

She wanted to PET IT.

Coming to that realization skeeved me out all over again.

The images below just make me laugh. Disclaimer: I couldn’t find legit sources for these, and please don’t think I’m insensitive to anyone who has suffered the loss of a home by fire. This is really just spider-humor for folks like me who are big babies.

spider-bath-tub

I live in the country and we have a LOT of spiders in the summer. I’ve definitely ran away from the shower like this a time or two!

spider-burn-house-down

I am also aware that spiders help keep our ecosystem in balance, and that they eat more harmful insects like mosquitos. I know. I still don’t want to touch or see another one, you know, ever.

Please tell me I am not the only one who goes nuts when seeing a spider. I’m not, right?

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45 Comments

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  1. Amanda Spencer — May 31, 2013 @ 11:11 am (#)

    Love this! Although the picture of the spider in the shower totally freaked me out!

    Reply

  2. desiree — May 31, 2013 @ 11:14 am (#)

    we had brown recluse and then they are bad and then when is see them i do not touch them and scream bloddy murder

    Reply

  3. Nickole Wibirt — May 31, 2013 @ 11:18 am (#)

    Oh my gosh! Thanks for the laugh! This sounds so much like me it is eerie…though not as eerie as your little one wanting to pet the spider. Yikes! I am with you on the whole spiders in the house thing. If they stay outside, I’ll leave them alone. They come into my house and, well, it’s me versus nature in all out war. Every woman (and arachnid) for themselves.

    Reply

  4. Jessica — May 31, 2013 @ 11:29 am (#)

    Haha! I just did the same thing yesterday, however, I had my 7-year-old nephew squish it with a shoe because I was too big of a chicken.. :p

    Reply

  5. shelly r — May 31, 2013 @ 11:30 am (#)

    First off I’m allergic to spider bites so they all must die if I see them, especially in my house. Thankfully my dog likes to eat them and I purposely make sure there is a book or shoe in every room to reach for when I see one. I may be a little paranoid to the point of spraying spider repellant around my house but I don’t like unwelcome guests. LOL I freak out when I see them but I go into they must die mode because if they get away I feel the need to hunt them down.

    Reply

  6. Lemon — May 31, 2013 @ 11:41 am (#)

    Such a good laugh! I’m starting to realize that I’m one of those rare people that has never killed a spider… I’m thinking I loved the movie “Charlotte’s Web” too much as a child. But I’ve come to realise that nobody else likes them – so I’ll casually pick them up and throw them outside, rather than risk rain. Now Snakes!!? That’s a different story!

    Reply

  7. Vicki — May 31, 2013 @ 11:57 am (#)

    This is so hilarious! It is a true testament to how much we love our children when we risk our own lives in order to save theirs from the spider.

    I was (and still am on the inside) a complete panicky freak about spiders, but now that I have a child I just put on my brave face and do what must be done….all the while shaking on the inside.

    Love this post!!!!

    Reply

  8. Ashleigh — May 31, 2013 @ 12:04 pm (#)

    Once as a teenager I put on a hoodie and my friend freaked out because I had an egg sack and the mother spider on my back. I freaked out, screamed and stripped naked running around my house. I HATE spiders.

    Reply

  9. Brynn A. — May 31, 2013 @ 12:10 pm (#)

    Haha! Thank you for the laugh today :) I hate spiders too and would always go for the hairspray approach until his stiff lifeless body could be safely disposed of. Fast-forward two kids later and I too am a quick squish and dispose of kinda girl.

    Reply

  10. Laila Garrett — May 31, 2013 @ 12:16 pm (#)

    I hate spiders!!! I have been known to hunt them if I see one in the house. Outside I’ll just move away and let it move on but if one comes in the house “oh no!!! fair game for killing” I will not tolerate bugs of any kind in the house.

    Reply

  11. April Yedinak — May 31, 2013 @ 12:25 pm (#)

    I am right with you! My kids love to tell the story about the time I got up early in the morning and went to the bathroom to go pee. I don’t often turn the light on because there is enough ambient light to find the toilet and I can’t stand the glare pounding at my eyes first thing. So, I do my business, but decide that I want to flip the light on to see to wash my hands and face. When I turn the light on, I see inches from the switch (and where my vulnerable hand had been seconds earlier) a HUGE wolf spider. So, I do what any sane person in a t-shirt and underpants would at 6 am when confronted with an intruder bent on my demise. I screeched loud enough to peel paint, jumped on top of the toilet seat and used the plunger to beat it to death screaming “Die f*#%er! Die!!” I beat it so much I broke the plunger. Lucky for me my kids had come running at the screaming, so they got to witness their mother dancing like a crazy person on top of the toilet lid while she bludgeoned one of God’s creatures to pulp.

    Reply

  12. MommieDaze — May 31, 2013 @ 12:26 pm (#)

    I HATE spiders, and I’ve now passed the fear on to my children. My four year old was playing in the other room and started screaming like someone was trying to stab him. I ran to see what was wrong, and he was backed into a corner terrified and sobbing because he saw a spider on the floor. He didn’t stop crying until he saw the spider go down the toilet.

    Reply

    • Jude Irishreign — May 31st, 2013 @ 1:39 pm

      Children were my saving grace!! When I was young I kept a supply of empty mayo size jars handy…and if I saw a bug, I would quickly pop the jar over it, and not go back in that room again, til my husband came home. There were many summer days that he would find me sitting outside because there was a jar in each of our 6 rooms, 7 counting the bathroom…He’d just shake his head, go in and dispense with all the bugs, restack the jars and let me know the coast was clear. When I had my first child…the first thing I taught him, when he learned to walk, was to stomp the critters when Mommy yelled “BUG!!!!!” He would so laugh at me and giggle as he waddled over and stomped on the bug, God love him. When the other two came along, they learned from their big brother. Life was good back then. I often wish I had a toddler around these days!!!

      Jude

  13. Laurel@ Let's Go on a Picnic! — May 31, 2013 @ 12:26 pm (#)

    Then I won’t tell you about the “mommy” spider I killed.

    Reply

  14. Angieleigh @ Once Upon A Book — May 31, 2013 @ 12:28 pm (#)

    I had a spider right next to my head last night and killed it by punching the wall.

    Between them and snakes I’d be much happier if they didn’t exist anywhere near me. Like never on this earth. EVER.

    Reply

  15. Alli Miller @ Cupcake Diaries — May 31, 2013 @ 12:35 pm (#)

    I laughed out loud the entire way through this post! I felt like I was reading my own words. I feel the EXACT SAME WAY!! I’m terrified of spiders. Even the tiniest ones. When my husband and I were first married I was making dinner one night and saw one in the kitchen. Dinner was put on hold till my husband got home to kill it. ha ha! And you’re right. Now that kids are in the picture you HAVE to kill the sucker no matter how much you’d rather be rubbing your eyes with olive oil. Thanks again for this post! I needed that laugh!

    Reply

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you are beautiful. hope to see you soon!