Dear Crissy

She may cleave me like a snowplow

Every few weeks or so, I feel a push to blog something substantial. I grab a few handfuls unarticulated heart-matter and try to carve-out something recognizable, because I need to feel like I have a handle my angst. I want to externalize it—make it into something I can drop-kick or karate chop.

She may cleave me like a snowplow

As I sit up tonight trying to whip my blogs into shape, I’m struck with some waves of insecurity. I don’t post enough. I don’t SEO half of my posts. I don’t comment enough. The list goes on.

In fact, there are some moments when I really wonder how I manage to weave a career out of these loose strands. At times I feel like my job is just something I do between diapers, and while I feel fortunate to be at home with my kids, I know it’s not productive on any level to allow my business and personal life blur together rampantly.

My life has no structure right now. Zero. Nada. Maybe it will change when my kids are both in school during the day, but for now, it is what it is.

I made a few goals for 2014, and so far, I’m failing across the board. I resolved to get healthy. Fail. I resolved to start working on my novel, and for the most part, that’s a fail too, though, I’m still extremely focused on that particular dream.

I feel like it’s all I can do to trudge through what’s left of this craptastic winter, and I just hope that I can recover and revive a little when the sun finally comes back. It’s coming back, right?

Oh, and title lyric is from Mike Doughty.

    9 Comments on “She may cleave me like a snowplow”

  1. I understand where you are coming from :). I agree with the person that wrote about looking at this post when your kids have grown.
    I think it is awesome you have built the following you have, and are a great Mom. Your kids will only be small for a short while. I think you are doing an awesome job. Of course I am on the outside looking in.
    Do not look at the things you haven’t accomplished , or goals you have fallen short in. Just put a different date on them to start them and revisit it at that time.
    I think you are so wonderful!

  2. Love. This. The pressure we put on ourselves is enormous. Do you know how many “substantial” posts I have started and haven’t published?! Ok, never mind.
    Fear. But we got this. My one word for 2014 is “Focus”. Please don’t ask how that’s working out for me so far. I mean, we’re only at month three, right??

    And yes, Spring is coming. I promise. Sharing this one now. xo

  3. I think anyone that has any amount of success doubts themselves sometimes. I think anyone that has chosen in their life to do what they love is guilty of self-doubt, as well. Don’t do things because you have to or feel you should; do them because you enjoy them and things will fall into place. You’ve not become this successful for any other reason than because you’re good at it. :-)

  4. Welcome to Motherhood and youth.
    When you are older and the kids are on their own, read this post again.
    You’ll understand, then.
    And you’ll be OK. Trust your own inner strength.
    It’s there.

  5. One word for you: Grace. You’re right, as a mom of littles there is slim to no structure in a day {mine are 4 and under}. We each do the best we can with what time we can eek out in the day. If these are things that are important to you, take a look at your day and figure out where you could block out 15 minutes to work on your book, focus on making one meal a day healthier. Little steps….you’ll feel like you’re making some progress without being thrown to the dogs.

    If you haven’t heard of it…I suggest reading Crystal Paine’s book Say Goodbye to Survival Mode {from}

  6. You’re not alone! Ugh it’s already almost March & I’ve failed all my 2014 goals. But Spring is coming & we can begin again!

  7. Is it the weather that keeping some of us in a slump? I know I had trouble getting motivated in January and then slowly got rolling a bit this month. Right there with ya. Let’s hope the sun brings us some reprieve soon.

  8. Oh, I hear ya. I feel like I spend my days spinning, and my head is SO not on straight. My kids need structure, right? Well, in the 8 months since I left my very-structured corporate level job to work from home, I have barely showered much less provided them with a daily schedule they can count on (which kind of sucks, because with my new “income,” I can’t provide them with much else.)

    I feel like a failure. I feel like not me.

    I’m hoping the coming sun sheds some light. Thanks for sharing your personal post! I appreciate your perspective.

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